Archive for the ‘snark’ Category

‎”The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.”
– George Bernard Shaw

Saturday, September 17th, 2011

“Hell is other people”
– Jean Paul Sartre

Friday, March 11th, 2011

“Males are quite charming when they’re stupid, focused and oblivious to the world.”
– Andy Wilman

Friday, March 11th, 2011

Richards, 66, confirmed that his nickname for Jagger is “Your Majesty” or “Brenda.”

Monday, November 15th, 2010

“He’s lost his Bovril”
– Jeremy Clarkson

Monday, November 15th, 2010

“It’s a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one’s safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract.”
– Alan B. Shepherd

Monday, November 15th, 2010

“There’s nothing so small or insignificant that it can’t be turned into a major project.”
-S. J. LaPaugh

Monday, November 15th, 2010

“I have affixed to me the dust and dirt of countless ages…who am I to disturb history?”
– Pig-Pen

Monday, November 15th, 2010

“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”
– Dick Cavett

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

“…. with the intellectual agility of a small soap dish.”
– Jeremy Beer

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

“Only dead fish go with the flow.”
– Sarah Palin

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

“People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils – Texaco, Mobil, Exxon ….”
– Rodney Dangerfield

Friday, July 30th, 2010

“Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live.”
– Mark Twain

Friday, July 30th, 2010

“Most people have some sort of religion—at least they know which church they’re staying away from.”
– John Erskine

Friday, July 30th, 2010

“The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.”
– Will Rogers

Friday, July 30th, 2010

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
– Will Rogers

Friday, July 30th, 2010

“One must regard the hyphen as a blemish to be avoided whenever possible.”
– Winston Churchill

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

“The real traditions of the British Navy are rum, buggery and the lash.”
– Winston Churchill

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

“We’re not happy until you’re not happy.”
– Grumpy’s Garage

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

“Reporters thrive on the world’s misfortune. For this reason they often take an indecent pleasure in events that dismay the rest of humanity.
– Russell Baker

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

“I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
– Winston Churchill

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

“I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.”
– Alfred Hitchcock

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

“I’m 47, how am I supposed to look.”
– Demi Moore

Monday, June 7th, 2010

“Television has become predictable, vulgar and nasty.”
– Joan Collins

Monday, June 7th, 2010

“Several members of the house had been fleeced in a game of penny-ante poker by this reporter, a very average card player. Seven-card stud, it seemed, was looked on as an activity in which the very considerable intelligence of these men and women could lie completely dormant.”
– Elena Kagan

Monday, May 10th, 2010

“PowerPoint makes us stupid.”
– Gen. James N. Mattis

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010

“Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.”
– Edward Abbey

Monday, April 26th, 2010

“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.”
- Mark Twain

Sunday, March 21st, 2010

“A mule will labor ten years willingly and patiently for you, for the privilege of kicking you once.”
– William Faulkner

Monday, March 15th, 2010

“How can I kick myself? There are other people to be kicked.”
– Martha Stewart

Monday, March 15th, 2010

“The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.”
– Adam Walinsky

Monday, March 15th, 2010

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit over here by me.”
– Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Monday, March 15th, 2010

“The hippies wanted peace and love. We wanted Ferraris, blondes and switchblades.”
– Alice Cooper

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.”
– Stephen Leacock

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Woody: “Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?”
Norm: “See you later, Vera, I’ll be at Cheers.”

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Time will heal a broken heart, just like time will heal his broken arms and legs.”
– Miss Piggy

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.”
– Eric Morecambe

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
– Mark Twain

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Human bonding rituals often involve a great deal of talking, and dancing, and crying.”
– Worf

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Try not to speak.”
– Hobson

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.”
– Anon

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass”
– David Lee Roth

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“It would be a terrific innovation if you could get your mind to stretch a little further than the next wisecrack.”
– Katharine Hepburn

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“In America we like everybody to know about all the good work we are doing anonymously.”
– Jay Leno

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“I only take Viagra when I’m with more than one woman.”
– Jack Nicholson

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”
– Milton Berle

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work.”
– Peter Drucker

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.”
– Andy Rooney

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“I am using Linux every day to up my productivity – so up yours!”
– Joe Sloan

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“I’m always a little skeptical of my own tendency to believe that things are changing for the awesome.”
– Faris

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”
– Proverb

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“There are lots of things you can do to lessen the impact of spiralling fuel bills – all of which are dreary.”
– Jeremy Clarkson

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“You have delighted us long enough.”
- Jane Austen

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.”
– Milton Berle

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
– A. Whitney Brown

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.”
– Mark Twain

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“More people have been elected between sundown and sunup than ever were elected between sunup and sundown.”
– Will Rogers

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“A genuine anteater, The pet man told my dad. Turned out, it was an aunt eater, And now my uncle’s mad!”
– Shel Silverstein

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese.”
– George Carlin

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don’t be economic girlie men!”
– Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.”
– Dennis

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
– George Carlin

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“Tattoo on the lower back, might as well be a bullseye,”
– Vince Vaugn

Monday, March 8th, 2010

Stan: “Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.”
Cartman: “Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.”

Monday, March 8th, 2010

“Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.”
Proverbs

Monday, March 8th, 2010

“Rinnick my pinnick.”
– Stephen Beer

Monday, March 8th, 2010

There once was a girl named Irene
who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin’
a new hydrocarbon
and since then has never benzene

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

A swimmer whose clothing got strewed
by breezes that left her quite nude
saw a man come along
and unless we are wrong
you expected this line to be lewd

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

There was an enchanting young bride
Who ate many green apples and died
The apples fermented
inside the lamented
and made cider inside her inside

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“There is never enough time, unless you’re serving it.”
– Malcolm Forbes

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“Johnny was a curious boy but johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was h20 was h2s04.”

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“I’ll snatch you bald-headed!”
– Nathaniel Glidden

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”
– George Carlin

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”
– George Carlin

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“What useless contraption are you half-baking today?”
– Cubert

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Dick Martin: “How about coming up to my place?”
Girl: “Are you going to try anything fresh?”
Dick Martin: “Nope. Same old stuff.”

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“If a husband states his opinion in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?”
– Kent Oldknow

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“You mellow too much you ripen and rot.”
– Woody Allen

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“A good listener is usually thinking about something else.”
– Kin Hubbard

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Judge: “Miss West, are you trying to show contempt for this court?”
Mae West: “On the contrary, your Honor, I was doin’ my best to conceal it.”

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“They misunderestimated me.”
– George W Bush

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“If we are going to teach creation science as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction.”
– Judith Hayes

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“It isn’t what they say about you, it’s what they whisper.”
– Errol Flynn

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“If you’ve got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.”
– John Wayne

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“break at lunchtime when they all go to the pub for some bitter lemon and exaggeration”
– Jeremy Clarkson

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“Two people can’t talk at the same time. When my mouth is moving, it means that you need to be quiet.”
– Judge Judy

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“This beer is good for you. This is draft beer. Stick with the beer. Let’s go and beat this guy up and come back and drink some more beer.”
– Ernest Hemmingway

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“Real Texans do not use the word ‘summer’ as a verb.”
– Molly Ivins

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Lady Astor: “Mr. Churchill, you’re drunk!”
Winston Churchill: “Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober.”

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Lady Astor: “if I were married to you I’d put poison in your coffee.”
Churchill: “if I were married to you, I’d drink it.”

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“I’m not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde.”
– Dolly Parton

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Sir Winston Churchill

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“Mr. Candy Bar doesn’t judge you, Chad. Mr. Candy Bar likes you just the way you are. Look at how yummy and sweet he is. …There you go. That’ll just be four dollars. …There you go.”
– Eric Cartman

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“One of the worst things that can happen in life is to win a bet on a horse at an early age.”
– Danny McGoorty

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“Ah, shiver me soul. It’s dead wore out, I be. A mite too fast these light-footed wenches be for the likes of an old schweg-bellied pirates such as I!”
– Dapper Pirate

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Abbot & Costello

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Larry Talbot: “You don’t understand. Every night when the moon is full, I turn into a wolf.”
Wilbur Gray: “You and twenty million other guys!”

“People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.”
– Russel Baker

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“I’ll guarantee that nothing exciting, vibrant, dynamic, new, creative, hopeful or beneficial in any way to Humanity, has ever been done, thought of or driven to in that drab, dreary, entirely beige, willfully awful pile of misery.”
- Richard Hammond

Saturday, February 27th, 2010

“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.” – Sam Levenson

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

“It is not necessary to understand things to argue about them.” – Pierre de Beaumarchais

Monday, February 22nd, 2010