Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Eat or Delete

Wednesday, April 18th, 2012

look up the word cookie
It did used to mean
sweet crunch and chew munch
as in meals in between

but cookies now also mean
undisclosed tracky bits
sly snips of code that
will peek at your tats

index all your foibles
detect and reveal
then sell to all sellers
the size of your deal

a word that could serve
the real meaning preserve
would mean caught you red handed
here’s a word you deserve

unco-op the cookie
disclose the intention
what lives in that jar
does need our digestion

— Grumpus Wombat

“I only exaggerate enough to compensate for being taken with a grain of salt.”
– Raspy

Saturday, July 16th, 2011

“you aren’t what you eat – you are what you don’t poop.”
– Wavy Gravy

Friday, March 11th, 2011

“You’re overwhelming me with logic.”
– Joe Deangelis

Monday, November 15th, 2010

“The road to “hell yeah” is paved with ass fault.”
– Andy Caploe

Monday, November 15th, 2010

“Two dyslexics walk into a bra…”

Monday, November 15th, 2010

“He’s lost his Bovril”
– Jeremy Clarkson

Monday, November 15th, 2010

“It’s not snobbery, It’s breeding.”
– Steve Rule

Sunday, August 22nd, 2010

Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association

Friday, July 30th, 2010

“People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils – Texaco, Mobil, Exxon ….”
– Rodney Dangerfield

Friday, July 30th, 2010

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

Friday, July 30th, 2010

“I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

Friday, July 30th, 2010

“The real traditions of the British Navy are rum, buggery and the lash.”
– Winston Churchill

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
– Dudley Moore

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

“We’re not happy until you’re not happy.”
– Grumpy’s Garage

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

“I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
– Winston Churchill

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

“If thy neighbor offend thee, give each of his children bagpipes.”
–Scottish proverb

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

“I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.”
– Alfred Hitchcock

Sunday, June 20th, 2010

“Apple you guys were the rebels man, the underdogs. People believed in you. But now, are you becoming The Man? Remember back in 1984, you had those awesome ads about overthrowing Big Brother? Look in the mirror, man!”
– Jon Stewart

Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

“My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass.”
– Terri Guillemets

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.”
- Mark Twain

Sunday, March 21st, 2010

“A whole family of angry kitchen appliances, demented toasters, furious bread machines and vengeful trash compactors.”
– Bob Lutz

Saturday, March 20th, 2010

“When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.”
– Steven Wright

Monday, March 15th, 2010

“You can’t have everything.
Where would you put it?”
– Steven Wright

Monday, March 15th, 2010

“Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.”
– Steven Wright

Monday, March 15th, 2010

“I never thought it was such a bad little tree. It’s not bad at all, really. Maybe it just needs a little love.”
– Linus VanPelt

Monday, March 15th, 2010

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”
– Dan Antopolsk

Monday, March 15th, 2010

“I speak two languages, Body and English.”
– Mae West

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Woody: “Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?”
Norm: “See you later, Vera, I’ll be at Cheers.”

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Time’s fun when you’re having flies.”
– Kermit The Frog

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Time will heal a broken heart, just like time will heal his broken arms and legs.”
– Miss Piggy

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.”
– Eric Morecambe

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
– Mark Twain

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass”
– David Lee Roth

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“I’m going to send over my private stash of seeds for the White House vegetable garden.”
– Bill Maher

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy.”
– Dane Cook

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Act, and you shall have dinner; wait, and you shall be dinner.”
– Klingon Proverb

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“How many ears does Spock have?
One left ear, one right ear, and the final front ear.”
– Jacob Morse

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Those who drink to forget, please pay in advance.”
– Hibernian Bar

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“It was a bold man who ate the first oyster.”
– Jonathan Swift

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Know what’s in chicken Tenders? … chicken tenders!”
– Olivia A. Beer

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“I only take Viagra when I’m with more than one woman.”
– Jack Nicholson

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”
– Benny Hill

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”
– Milton Berle

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”
– Woody Allen

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“I am using Linux every day to up my productivity – so up yours!”
– Joe Sloan

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“I had not correctly defined your attitude towards your tennants.”
– John Cleese

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Ah, the first rule of public speaking – always start with a joke.”
– Jon Stewart

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Cheese… milk’s leap toward immortality.”
– Clifton Fadiman

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You’re on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you’re on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?”br>– Nigel Tufnel

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
– Steven Wright

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“I’m sixty years of age. That’s 16 Celsius.”
– George Carlin

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t …. ”
– George Carlin

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
– Ralph Bus

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
– A. Whitney Brown

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“Yes, clothes dryers are monsters, and more of them should be painted.”
– Graham Chapman

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“A genuine anteater, The pet man told my dad. Turned out, it was an aunt eater, And now my uncle’s mad!”
– Shel Silverstein

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money.”
– P.J. O’Rourke

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese.”
– George Carlin

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.”
– Dennis

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”
– Fran Lebowitz

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
– George Carlin

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

“if you try to carry the Sprite engine you assembled in your upstairs apartment down a flight of stairs by yourself, the painkillers they give you in hospital will give you vivid dreams of clowns.”
– Peter Egan

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.”
– Peter Egan

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

Stan: “Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.”
Cartman: “Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.”

Monday, March 8th, 2010

“How can anyone govern a nation that has two hundred and forty-six different kinds of cheese?”
– Charles De Gaulle

Monday, March 8th, 2010

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.”
– Henry J. Tillman

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“There is never enough time, unless you’re serving it.”
– Malcolm Forbes

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“Johnny was a curious boy but johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was h20 was h2s04.”

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”
– W. C. Fields

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”
W. C. Fields

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”
– George Carlin

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Dick Martin: “How about coming up to my place?”
Girl: “Are you going to try anything fresh?”
Dick Martin: “Nope. Same old stuff.”

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“If a husband states his opinion in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?”
– Kent Oldknow

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

“Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.”
– Robert Orben

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Judge: “Miss West, are you trying to show contempt for this court?”
Mae West: “On the contrary, your Honor, I was doin’ my best to conceal it.”

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Lady Astor: “Mr. Churchill, you’re drunk!”
Winston Churchill: “Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober.”

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“I’m not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde.”
– Dolly Parton

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“The older I get the faster I was.”
– Maddjack

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“A genuine anteater,” The pet man told my dad. Turned out, it was an aunt eater, And now my uncle’s mad!”
– Shel Silverstein

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“Mr. Candy Bar doesn’t judge you, Chad. Mr. Candy Bar likes you just the way you are. Look at how yummy and sweet he is. …There you go. That’ll just be four dollars. …There you go.”
– Eric Cartman

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“One of the worst things that can happen in life is to win a bet on a horse at an early age.”
– Danny McGoorty

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“I blew hundreds of thousands of pounds on women and drinking – the rest I just squandered.”
– George Best

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“I like Beethoven, especially the poems.”
– Ringo Starr

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“Why are the pretty ones always insane.”
– Chief Wiggam

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“It’s nice to see that look of alarm on the faces of the others.”
– Graham Chapman

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“As long as there are innocent nickels to be made from the gullible, Python-starved public, I shall be out there dressed in silly frocks and singing filthy lyrics.”
– Eric Idle

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“I think we’ve all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically.”
– Jack Sparrow

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Abbot & Costello

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Larry Talbot: “You don’t understand. Every night when the moon is full, I turn into a wolf.”
Wilbur Gray: “You and twenty million other guys!”

“If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.”
– George Bernard Shaw

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

“With my sunglasses on, I’m Jack Nicholson. Without them, I’m fat and 60.”
- Jack Nicholson

Sunday, February 28th, 2010

“Time wounds all heels.” – Groucho Marx

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson

Thursday, February 18th, 2010